you'd think i would have learned by now.

no. this morning when i heard his voice my brain all of a sudden got stuck on loop, thinking 'oh god, it can't be him. who is it, who sounds just like him?', and my stomach got all knotted. and not in a oh-my-god-he's-so-cute or i-like-him-so-much way. he was just the same, but different, carrying fishing poles and a cigarette. and he asked a few questions and he was gone, his charming grin and him mumbling gone with him and i got into the car and felt like i wanted to puke.

why does he make a wreck out of me when i've dealt with so MANY people? no one can get under my skin like he does, no one has EVER made me cry as much as he has, i don't think i've ever loved anybody like i have him, and i definately haven't known anyone longer than i've known him. you know what its like when you get those pin-sharp pains in the sole of your foot? you feel like theres a needle in it, this horrible annoying pain, but you can't find the exact spot of it? i can't ever figure out WHY theres a permanent ice cube in my throat when i think of him.WHAT THE FUCK? what is wrong with me?